WWE Goes PBS
by ijnfleetadmiral
Summary: Vince gets the brilliant idea to loan some of his top stars to public television. Some get a pretty cool assignment. Others are even 'luckier'...
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** Own nothing except the wild idea, so don't sue...you'll get nothing. Some of the songs and ideas came from the _Animaniacs_ episode "_Baloney and Kids" _(if you've never seen it, WATCH IT...you'll wet yourself from laughing!), but I don't own those, either. I don't own the show _Barney and __Friends_, a fact I thank God for each and every day. Nor do I own PBS, for if I did, shows like _Barney_, _Teletubbies_, and _The Wiggles_ would never have seen airtime.

**WWE Goes PBS**

**Chapter One - The Unthinkable Is Thought Up & Enacted**

Vincent Kennedy McMahon strolled into the conference room with his usual swagger, a smug grin on his face. He glanced around the room at his 'beloved' employees, including several past superstars, many of whom weren't too pleased to hear they had an unseen loop in their contract that allowed Vince to recall them at any time, no matter where they were.

"Glad you all could make it!" Vince greeted, while several superstars gave him looks that could kill. The WWE Chairman merely shook them off and turned to the business at hand.

"I'm proud to announce that the WWE will be having groups of its superstars - both past and present - making guest appearances on several public television shows in the near future. You all are the superstars I've chosen. Now, I realize that some of you were occupied with other commitments," he observed, glancing around the table at Trish Stratus and TNA's Jeff Hardy in particular, "but lawyers from the WWE are handling all the details."

He shuffled some papers and announced, "All right, the groupings are as follows: Batista, Jeff Hardy, Maria Kanellis, and Trish Status are going to be guest-starring on _Sesame Street_."

At this statement, the four superstars chosen relaxed somewhat. Batista and Trish's expressions were ones that plainly said, _'Oh well, could be worse'_. Jeff merely nodded in acceptance, appearing to agree with John Cena's joke that the Charismatic Enigma would fit right in, while Maria brightened and looked excited.

Vince turned to the other eight superstars sitting around the table and gave them a grin that none of them liked...one that said, _'I can't wait to see the expressions on your faces'_.

"The rest of you...well...just show up at the PBS station and ask directions to soundstage 29."

And so it was that eight superstars met in the parking lot of the local PBS station at nine the following morning. Triple H and Shawn Michaels arrived together, as did The Undertaker and Michelle McCool. John Cena and Mickie James pulled in next to each other, followed by TNA interviewer Christy Hemme. Edge was the last to arrive, looking for all the world like he'd rather be anywhere but there.

They made their way to the front door and were quickly shown to soundstage 29, which appeared to be set up like a schoolroom. The show's crew - many of which appeared to be holding back hysterical laughter - invited the group to sit down in the chairs on the set, most of which were child-size. Christy, Mickie, and Michelle perched themselves on the counters around the edges of the set, the only possible places that seemed even close to being able to support the weight of an adult. Hunter and Shawn, predictably, began inspecting the room for any neat toys, while John chatted with Mickie, Michelle leaned against Mark and tried to go back to sleep, Christy texted on her iPhone, and Edge leaned against the wall, put his shades back on, and appeared to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, crewmembers walked over to the group and gave them all microphones to clip onto their shirts, and Christy gave two people black eyes before angrily relenquishing the mega-sized Burger King coffee she'd brought in with her.

"Listen up, everybody," Mark called to the rest of the group as Michelle jerked awake, "let's just get through whatever show this is with a minimum of fuss, and just imagine what we're going to be doing after it's over, all right?"

"Did someone say imagine?" a painfully familiar voice asked, following said question with a dopey laugh that made Mark twitch like a psych patient and Hunter, Mickie, and Michelle cringe as though hearing nails on a chalkboard.

"That best not be who I think it is," John stated calmly.

"You got that right," Adam muttered, remembering they were being taped for public television and at least having the decency not to utter a swearword or two, despite the overwhelming urge to do so.

Seconds later, the fears of all eight were confirmed when a large purple dinosaur made his entrance, bouncing around like a toddler that had overdosed on Pixie Stix.

Yes, the unthinkable had occured: the WWE had come to _Barney and Friends_.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** See Chapter One.

**Chapter Two - Thirty Minutes of Hell**

Thoughts of walking out on their contracts ran through eight minds the instant realization dawned as to what show they were guest-starring on.

Barney danced around happily and giggled while Mickie and Christy flattened themselves against the wall, John and Adam for once putting aside their differences and standing in front of them as protectors, while Michelle attempted to calm a now-fuming Mark down by rubbing his shoulders in a calming manner and Hunter and Shawn looked at the set's newest arrival with thoughtful expressions on their faces, as though trying to figure him out.

"Hi there, boys and girls!" Barney giggled. "You must be new at school! Boy oh boy, I love making new friends! It makes me feel all yum-yum-doodle-dum inside!"

The brain-dead purple dinosaur danced around and hugged himself, giggling inanely while Hunter and Shawn waved the other six over into a huddle.

"Ok, we've got it," Hunter announced, when everyone was within earshot and Barney's attention was occupied elsewhere by a piece of lint fluff coasting through the air on the breeze created by the air conditioner. "Susie's in the trunk of my car, so while the rest of you distract it, Shawn and I'll sneak out, grab Susie, and when we get back we'll put the poor lumpy purple thing out of its misery."

The girls supressed laughter, while John and Adam both nodded in acceptance.

"Nobody leaves," Mark growled. "No escaping."

The fact that Mark was only talking in two-word sentences let the rest of the group know he was one incident of foolishness away from snapping completely.

"Whatcha talkin' about there, boys and girls?" Barney had wandered over and was now standing behind the group, watching them with a dopey smile.

"We're talking about getting a toy out of Hunter's car," Shawn replied.

"What a great idea! Let's all play pretend cars! Va-room! Va-room!" Barney held his hands out in front of him as though gripping a steering wheel and ran around in circles like an idiot, giggling his signature giggle.

Mark snarled something unintelligible and made to turn and strangle the dinosaur, but Michelle grabbed him by the shoulders and murmured, "Easy, honey...easy, honey..." while Mickie, John, and Christy stared at Barney like he was nuts and Adam dropped his face into his hands in despair.

Hunter and Shawn, meanwhile, sprang into action. To the surprise of the other six, they stood side-by-side while Hunter copied Barney's actions, with the addition of making a siren noise. They started following Barney, and Shawn cupped his hands and called out,

"Attention: dumb, purple lumpy thing! This is the police...pull over to the side of the road!"

Barney obediently stopped, and DX approached him.

"Sir, can we see your license and registration?" Hunter asked, while Shawn nodded and assumed a business-like expression beside him.

Barney giggled. "Gee goshums, Officer...I don't have a license!"

"There's a shocker," Adam muttered, causing the girls and John to bite their lips to keep from laughing hysterically.

"Step out of the car, please, sir," Hunter replied.

Barney giggled in response and turned to face DX, causing Hunter to ask, "Do you know what the penalty for driving without a license is?"

Barney giggled and shook his head. "Ummm...only one cookie at snacktime?"

Hunter shook his head, appearing to relish every second of this. "Nope...it's a little something we like to call a Prehistoric Pedigree!"

With that, Triple H performed his signature move on Barney, planting the purple dinosaur face-first into one of the child-size tables, which - predictably - collapsed under his weight. The two resident mischief-makers of the WWE turned and grinned at each other, pleased with their handiwork, before walking toward the rest of the group.

Their plans were cut short when a giggle came from behind them. Hunter and Shawn turned in horror to see Barney on his feet once again.

"Wow, Officer! Thanks for reminding me!" Barney giggled.

Shawn turned and grinned at Barney. "But there's another penalty for driving without a license: a Saurian Superkick!"

The cameras caught Barney taking HBK's signature move directly on the chin and then his journey backwards to land on another collapsible piece of furniture, this time a bookcase.

Shawn walked back over to Hunter and grinned at his best friend, satisfied at a job well done. The two made it back to the group and received congratulations from both John and Adam when a sound was uttered that made everyone freeze.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** See Chapter One

**Chapter 3 - The Fun Continues**

The phrase "Neato-completo-yippee...that was fun!" was heard, followed by a familiar annoying giggle.

"Oh my God...it's unstoppable!" John gasped to the others, causing the girls to giggle and every guy but Mark - who appeared to be off in his own little world, contemplating Vince's incredibly slow, excruciatingly painful death - to snort back laughter.

"Who's ready to have some gosh-and-golly-icious fun and game-aloos?" Barney giggled, trundling toward the group of professional wrestlers who were now huddled in a corner in terror.

"Imagine our delight," Adam quipped, the sarcasm of which was - not surprisingly - completely lost on Barney.

"Imagine? That's a great idea...let's sing the Imagine Song!" Barney exclaimed.

"No, wait!" Adam shouted.

"Yeah, let's not and say we did!" Christy seconded.

Barney - of course - ignored them, heading over to a wall on the set that had a felt board on it. He picked up some letters and began singing.

"I is for 'imagine'...M is for 'me'...A is for 'the letter A'...G is for 'G'...I is for 'imagine'...N is for 'nice'...E is for 'egad'...I said 'imagine' twice!" He finished the song by giggling.

"Great song," Michelle said sarcastically, plastering a fake smile on her face.

"Thanks! Let's hug!" Barney replied, coming toward her with arms outstretched.

"Touch her and die," Mark growled.

Michelle, not wanting to have Mark arrested for murder one, added over DX, Adam, and John's chant of 'Touch her...touch her!', "Why don't you just imagine that too?"

"Okay!" Barney giggled, hugging himself. "I love me! Yum-yum-doodle-dum!"

"Oh, dear God..." Adam groaned.

"Yeeaahh...well, it's been real, it's been fun, but it ain't been real fun, homie," John stated, shaking Barney's hand while Hunter, Shawn, and the girls giggled, "but we gotta get back to Planet Reality now."

"Great idea! Let's play 'Astronauts In Outer Space!" Barney exclaimed, giggling excitedly. "Hello, Mission Control!"

"Hello, Astronaut Barney!" Hunter replied, he and Shawn pretending to crouch over a make-believe computer console. "Our sensors show that you're out of oxygen!"

"You'll be remembered as a hero...goodbye," Shawn added.

To everyone's surprise, Barney made choking noises and staggered around.

"Maybe we should stop pretending!" he gasped.

"That could be tough, Barney," Mickie replied sarcastically. "We've all got very strong imaginations."

"You're silly!" Barney giggled, hugging Mickie unexpectedly and causing the petite brunette to emit a squeak of surprise that John secretly thought was incredibly cute.

"There's the pot calling the kettle black," John replied, causing Michelle to bury her face in Mark's shirt and emit a little 'eep' from trying to hold back her laughter. Even Mark seemed to twitch in reaction to John's comment.

"I know!" Barney exclaimed. "Let's make masks and guess who we are!"

The purple dinosaur danced around the WWE superstars, all of whom seemed baffled by the depth of his stupidity.

"I hold up a mask, lingie-lingie-loo! You guess who I am! Lingie-lingie-loo!" he sang, followed by his idiotic laugh.

"Do they make Ritalin for dinosaurs?" John asked Mickie, causing her to giggle and smile up at the former WWE Champion.

"Are we being punished?" Shawn asked no one in particular.

"Yes," Mark growled, his response coming out of nowhere; the others didn't even think he'd been listening to what was going on.

And they all shuddered inwardly, only guessing as to what would come their way next.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:** See Chapter One

**Chapter 4 - The Tombstone Song**

The eight superstars watched Barney draw on a paper plate briefly before turning around to face them holding it up in front of his face.

"Guess who?" he giggled.

"Um...Barack Obama?" Adam quipped.

"No!" Barney giggled.

"Hmm...could it be Tara Lipinski?" Michelle guessed sarcastically.

Barney giggled and said "No!" again.

"Is it...a big, fat polyester dinosaur who's the color of Klingon blood with a paper plate over his face?" John guessed, causing everyone but Mark to stifle laughter.

"No! It's me...Barney!" Barney replied, removing the paper plate from his face and dancing around.

"YOU'RE KIDDING!" Hunter and Shawn gasped in surprise, causing all three girls to burst out laughing.

"Never woulda guessed that," Adam informed Mark, who looked at him as if to say, 'Get real'.

"Now why don't you make masks, and I'll guess who you are?" Barney said, ushering the eight superstars to an adult-sized table.

"Because we'd rather have exploratory rectal surgery than be here right now," Adam muttered in reply, causing several snickers.

The superstars hunched over their paper plates for a few seconds before Hunter yelled out, "We're done!"

The group held up blank plates to their faces, all except Mark, who continued to stare straight ahead with a murderous expression on his face.

Barney inspected each of their plates in turn, the fact that every plate was blank apparently - though hardly surprising, given his IQ - not registering in his brain.

"Hmmm...gee, I don't know who you are!"

"I'm Trish Stratus," Mickie stated.

"I'm Torrie Wilson, because she's where I'd like to be right now...far away from here." Michelle informed Barney, a fake smile on her face.

"I'm Mae Young," Christy announced.

"I'm Phil Kessel, leading scorer for the Toronto Maple Leafs," Adam stated.

"I'm Bret Hart," Shawn said.

"I'm Brett Favre," Hunter put in.

"I'm Mario Andretti," John informed the group.

"And I'm Vincent Kennedy McMahon, the soon-to-be _late_ Chairman of World Wrestling Entertainment," Mark growled, not even bothering to pick up his plate.

"Those were good masks!" Barney giggled.

To everyone's surprise, Mark suddenly stood up.

"Hey, everyone!" he announced in a voice that was falsely bright, "I've got an idea! Let's sing 'The Tombstone Song'!"

Barney pondered this for a moment, as did the other seven superstars.

"Gee goshums, 'Taker...I don't know that one!" Barney said.

"Don't worry, Barney...you'll catch on real quick," Mark replied, slinging an arm around Barney's shoulders.

It was right then the rest of the superstars realized that Mark had either had enough foolishness or that he'd completely snapped.

Mark turned to the others and looked each one in the eye.

"Just follow my lead, and we'll be outta here in no time."

The others nodded eagerly, glad to follow orders.

Mark turned back to Barney.

"The Tombstone Song!" he announced, right before a catchy little tune began playing.

"The Tombstone is quite famous...it's very painful too...so watch out, my inept friend...or one might happen to you!"

"To me?" Barney asked, and giggled. He was in mid-giggle when Mark grabbed him, set him up, and performed a perfect Tombstone Piledriver on him, right there in front of the cameras.

Mark stood up and dusted off his hands while Barney withered to the floor like a wall collapsing. "That wasn't pretty," he said, walking back over to the others, "but it had to be done."

In response, Barney let loose with his signature giggle.

"Great song! Neato-completo-yippee!" he stated, sitting up.

"You gotta be kidding me..." Mark groaned before turning around.

"Let's sing it again...I lovey-dubby loved it!" Barney enthused.

An evil grin spread over Mark's face.

"Ok!" He replied, walking back over to Barney and starting to dance with him as he sang.

"The Tombstone is a fun move...but it's very hard to do...I know you want to try it...we want you to try it too!"

Barney barely got one giggle out before Mark tombstoned him a second time. The group of superstars relaxed, thinking it was finally over, but no sooner had they thought that than Barney sat up.

"Yay! Let's do it again!" he cried.

"Now he's pissing me off," Mark muttered.

Barney got to his feet and lumbered toward the superstars, giggling as he got closer. Suddenly a bell dinged and a cuckoo clock sprang into action.

"Yum-yum-doodle-dum-cuckoo!" the wooden bird announced before disappearing again.

"Oh darn," Barney said, turning to look at the clock, "my friendly friend tells me that it's time for us to go."

"Oh, thank God!" Christy and Adam chorused, then grinned at each other.

"Awww!" Shawn, Hunter, John, and Mickie chorused sarcastically.

"I know, I know...but we still get to sing 'The Goodbye Song'!" Barney said, as though that statement made up for everything.

All the superstars joined in the final song, knowing that freedom was just minutes away.

"We love you..."

"I love me," Barney sang.

"He's as dumb as dumb can be," Mark inserted.

"Yup, uh-huh," Barney giggled, and Adam shook his head in despair.

"But we've found a way that we can get along," the group responded.

"I stand still -" Barney sang.

"- for The Tombstone Song," the group finished.

Barney got a brief giggle out before Mark tombstoned him a third time as the show went to credits.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:** See Chapter One

**Chapter 5 - Epilogue**

Seven of the eight superstars arrived for the dual-brand house show on Monday night. Mark and Michelle arrived together as usual, followed by John and Mickie, who seemed to be inseparable; apparently the two had finally realized what other people had seen for months now: that the WWE Champion and the bouncy brunette Diva were perfect for each other.

Hunter and Shawn quickly changed into their ring attire before stowing their gear and heading off to see what mischief they could create that night. Adam took his time getting ready, as his match wasn't until the middle of the show. He smiled as he laced his boots, remembering the thoroughly enjoyable afternoon and evening he'd spent with Christy after leaving the PBS station. Not wanting to get his hopes up, he refused to consider the possibility of her taking the option of returning to the WWE once her TNA contract expired.

The seven superstars who'd survived thirty minutes in hell were all in the commissary, waiting for the end of the show, when it happened.

"'TAKER, DX, CENA, COPELAND, MCCOOL, AND JAMES...WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY?!" was heard throughout the arena.

By the time the WWE Chairman made it to the commissary, where the cowering backstage technician had reported seeing them, all he found was a bunch of empty chairs. Meanwhile, down the hall, the sound of the door to the parking lot closing was heard, followed by car doors slamming and engines starting. Vince ran for the door, but his gutteral scream of revenge was lost in the sounds of peeling tires as four cars booked it out of the lot and seven superstars lived to fight another day.

**THE END**


End file.
